Capiche.

Last weekend, I ended a nine year relationship. It was, easily, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I didn’t get the reaction I expected. I expected ‘fine’, instead I got ‘I can change, I will change’. It’s not that I don’t believe him, it’s just too late. Six years too late.

I told him everything I felt; ignored, unloved, walked all over, taken for granted, unheard, useless. He actually agreed with me. I was shocked. He told me it was all true, that he knew he didn’t treat me properly, but that he can change all of that.

For the sake of my children, I want to believe it could work again. But, for my own sake, I can’t take that chance again. I’ve built myself up to finally take a stand, I can’t risk being broken down again. I went through years of being treated poorly, I can’t just forget that all of that ever happened. To be a good mum, I have to be a happy mum.

Now he keeps denying it will really end. He keeps telling me I have to give him another chance. I keep telling him I gave him so many chances, but I don’t threaten things. I was never going to threaten ending this relationship unless I was actually going to do it. I don’t play games. He says that despite me telling him how upset I was and how many times I told him it was serious, he never thought it would come to this.

I just don’t think it’s fair of him to expect me to just give him another chance after I tried so hard to make it work and he still, literally, ignored me. I feel like I’m being so heartless by not wanting it. But then I remember that he was heartless all this time. It’s not about ‘an eye for an eye’, but there’s only so much I can take.

I am looking forward to being independent. I lost that, and I want it back so much. I need to learn to be by myself again, to rely on myself again. And I’m getting annoyed that it’s not coming as quick as I’d planned. I never expected this delay, I honestly didn’t. It’s another reason why I can’t try again. I need to be alone for a while, find myself again.

I don’t know. This is tl;dr, and all over the place, and so poorly written, but that’s my life right now.